The Act Of Staying

Is there such a thing as karma? Is that even a real phenomenon or a projection of people’s beliefs that revenge wasn’t needed? The answer to that wasn’t necessary. You didn’t believe in karma, couldn’t wait for it. Why can’t they feel the pain now, you asked. Why can’t they experience all they put me through right now?

Why can’t their head bang and their chest constrict and their tummy hurt and turn till they constantly feel like throwing up?

Forget Kwin Karma even. How do you claim to love someone and still continuously hurt them? On purpose. That was one phenomenon you will never ever grasp the concept of.

~

He came when you didn’t need him. And then you grew to need him. He was someone you never knew you needed. The attraction was instant, but you had a habit of pushing things away until they became very obvious, even to yourself; you still don’t know if and why you do it on purpose.

The love was sudden. Almost knocking you off your feet. You had loved, but you had never experienced this. The passion that came with it was nerve wracking, confusing. It enveloped your entire being and warmed your bones to the marrow. You were in love. You were in love. You were in love.

And then it happened, or you suspected it. Or something like it. But you would never believe he would do such a thing. You trusted him. I mean, he loved you. He said so and you believed him. In time you would come to realize, you would always end up believing him.

You shouldn’t care what people said but people always said at least a twisted version of the truth. So you found out. And you didn’t cry or crash out. You couldn’t cry. You were just…disappointed. But you stayed. And new revelations popped out everyday, but you still stayed. Because it was the bone-warming, overwhelming, soul-enveloping kind of love. But it was also the confusing, insecure, constant heart-gutting kind of love. And even still, you stayed.

But then at random times you would get these waves and tear up.

How better was she than you?

What did she have that you did not?

Was she prettier?

Was she funnier?

Was she…curvier?

Did she have a better smile?

You don’t know. You don’t know. You will never know.

Oh, but you did. No one was better than you. So you would not wallow in self pity. So you would take him back because it was you he came back to. And you will later realize that maybe, just maybe, he had never left her.

~

You hated him so much. You wished he would die so you could forget all he did to you but then you would probably run mad and then die from the pain if you realized you wouldn’t even be entertained with the idea of him, alive, so you just wished you had never met him.

Because before you met him, you didn’t care much about the guys in your school and you didn’t look twice at every couple in the dark corners when you passed to be sure it wasn’t him and someone else.

Because before you met him, you didn’t look twice at the girls you’d heard he’d been with, didn’t unconsciously make a comparison with yourself and these random girls. Didn’t consciously compare yourself to the girl.

Because before you met him, you couldn’t relate to the girls who went back.

Because before you met him, you were sure you knew your self worth.

Because before you met him, you didn’t question your loyalty to yourself.

And you would do anything in your power for him, even if it was out of your comfort zone, but you knew he wouldn’t do the same. Even if he repeatedly said he would.

So why did you stay, they asked. Why did you never leave? Why did you keep going back? Why did you always forgive and most times, forget? Why did you ignore and never question his actions, even if they hurt you?

There wasn’t a concise answer for these questions, there never would be. But what you would constantly be known to have said was that they would never understand cause you loved him. You loved him more than you loved yourself so you would ignore his excesses and accept that it was his nature. Because you would love every part of him, because it was part of him and you loved him.

~

And now you sit and ask yourself what the point of this was. But most things do not have a point. So there was no point. Like there wasn’t a point to forgiveness so we should do it regardless. Like love is an enough reason to forgive and forget infidelity. Repeatedly. You still hated him, but maybe you were too in love to differentiate between your hate and your love. You were a fool.